Bad Timing
by notsosolemnly
Summary: After slipping on a banana peel, Sirius is put to the test! And that's not all!
1. Chapter 1

BAD TIMING

PART 1

Sirius threw his legs on the breakfast table, breaking lots of china, spilling lots of jars.

"Wow!" said James.

Peter hiccuped. Yes, he was also present. He could talk, but he seldom had anything worth hearing to say. He existed, 'though, and was very much present, even when it seemed like he wasn't.

But he wasn't interesting. Sirius's shoes were interesting! Because they were so insane.

Platform boots, blue snake-skin, the see-through heels about the height of a kappa and containing fish and all their nutritional needs (as well as a small, spinning mirror ball for their party needs.)

"That's just... wrong..," said Remus, in regards to keeping fish in shoes like this, but he was only human (currently.) He couldn't help but be dazzled by these outageous shoes. Nobody could.

His words said: That's just wrong. But his eyes said: Droooooool.

"Found them yesterday," said Sirius. "Are you crazy jealous?"

"It's just too much," said James. "So too much it's just right except it's not right at all it's TOO MUCH!"

"No such thing."

Then McGonagall came around and demanded Sirius put on proper shoes immediately, for apparently great shoes were against the dress code.

"I'm thinking of putting wheels on them, would that ruin them do you think?" said Sirius.

"You can't walk in those no way!" said Remus.

"I walked here, didn't I?"

Since they both had quick pre-class dorm errands this morning, they left to attend them together.

Sirius could walk in the outrageous shoes, but not with any grace. He walked like a returned astronaut in need of urgent physiotherapy.

"See it's a doddle," he said when he had almost made it to the top of the first flight on stairs in their way.

"They're party boots but you can barely stand in those, forget partying!" said Remus.

"I'll show you, sometime, how about this weekend? Always a party somewhere."

Then, just as Sirius was about to reach the top of the stairs, he stepped on a banana peel and tumbled all the way down the stairs again, crying 'waaah' and landed with his arms and legs all wonky and askew, and himself completely knocked from consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

BAD TIMING

PART 2

Sirius was sitting on platform 4 3/9 in Hogsmead Station, waiting for a train, when it struck him that he couldn't remember how he had gotten there. Nor could he remember how long he had waited, but it felt like ages.

Every so often the speaker voice would say: Train to arrive in Hogsmead in ten minutes.

Sometimes it would say: The train to Dingo Lalley is experiencing technical difficulties.

Apparently the train was only just arriving in Potsandpans, a few stations back, a few hundred years late.

Waiting for a train with technical difficulties was insufferable beyond description. Sirius sunk, where he sat, experiencing intense spiritual agony because of this tormenting boredom. Everytime the voice spoke, only to say that the train was expected to arrive in ten years, he felt like smacking somebody.

But there was nobody around to smack here, just him.

It was all so dreadful it could only be described as...

 _Hell._

Sirius looked up and saw that the sky was on fire. This couldn't be hell, could it? He hadn't realised he had died. He had always thought he'd go to hell, but not with any degree of sincerity. Deep down he had thought that in the end. the higher powers would forgive his misdeeds and reward his good actions, taking into account the upbringing that had made him who he was prior to his death. But, judging from the sky on fire, that was clearly not the case.

A tall, hooded figure carrying a scythe appeared before him, and beckoned him to rise.

"Am I dead?" Sirius asked when the hooded figure showed no initiative to begin a conversation.

"Not yet," replied the hooded figure. "Although I am the Grim Reaper! You have another ten minutes."  
So he'd be dead in ten minutes, great. And stuck at a dull platform for the remains of his afterlife. He scratched his neck nervously.

"I know I haven't exacyly been a _saint-"_ he said but was silenced.

"If you go back to right your wrongs, you won't have to spend your afterlife at a dull platform when the time really comes."

"Ok so how do I right my wrongs?"

"You must be good to the last person you'd be good to."

Oh, for...! Was this prophecy-speak really necessary? The Grim Reaper didn't seem like the clarifying type, either.

"So just one of them, then? Can I pick anybody?"

"I will appear when you have been good to the last person you'd be good to. If you haven't been good to the last person you'd be good to when the time is through, I will come and get you and you will have to spend your afterlife waiting for a train with technical difficulties."

Sirius swallowed. "And when is the time through?"

The Grim Reaper snapped his bony fingers and disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3

BAD TIMING

PART 3

It was a Sunday morning when Sirius woke up in the hospital wing, and he was discharged the same afternoon. He was glad to be alive, although somewhat plagued by a sore back still. The recollection of his brief encounter with the Grim Reaper in Limbo returned to him in the early evening, in the dorm. He recounted it as it formed.

" _'The last person you'd be good to' ,"_ said James. "That could be anybody. Very uncool to not be more specific."

"I know," said Sirius. "It could be Heidi Horseface. It could be Snape. It could also be my mum, who totally doesn't deserve it. Or my dad, who _totally_ doesn't deserve it."

He sighed.

"But maybe that's the test. You know? Maybe the ultimate good is to be good to someone that doesn't deserve having good done to them or some crap like that."

"But the exact words were: ' _The last person_ you'd _be good to' ,"_ said James. "Not the last person that deserves it. This is to test _you."_

This was all very annoying and Sirius was so tired he fell asleep. He'd start the do-gooding in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

BAD TIMING

PART 4

Potions fizzed all around. Sirius could think of nothing else except for the test of his moral character the next day, and potions class seemed like a good place to start. Surely, of everybody in here, the last person he'd be good to was Snape, and if that failed he could still rule out everybody else.

"What does 'do good' even mean?" he asked, bashing a cicada's head in with a pestle. "What if I get the right person, but the action is wrong?"

"Maybe you should just follow him around for a week," said James and made kissy-lips.

"Maybe you should just wait for the opportunity to arise," said Remus, who was struggling to open a jar. "Or maybe this is all just a way to make sure you do good things to everybody all the time."

"Nice try, but the 'last person' can only refer to one person, so shut up," said Sirius. Then he saw the hooded reaper in his mind. "I mean, do go on, everything you say is so interesting, hey can I open that jar for you?"

The Grim Reaper did not appear after he opened the jar, and Sirius hadn't expected it either.

He really didn't feel like waiting for Snape to drop a pencil or something. Perhaps it would be easier to spot an opportunity if he went a little closer.

"Oi, you!" he said to Snape, who looked at him just as disdainfully as Sirius looked at him.

"This is going to sound weird, but... think of me as a one-wish genie!"  
Snape turned back to his potions, and replied snootily: "The correct term is 'djinn'."

Phnegh phnegh phnegh! Sirius rolled his eyes.

Mmm, gin.

"Ok then. So basically, I am offering you one service. It can be whatever you want. Pick something that I can do for you and I'll do it guaranteed!"  
"Here's something you can do for me: sod off!" said Snape.

The question was if doing so would qualify as a good deed. Sirius did go away a little bit just to test it but when nothing happened he returned.

"I had this near-death experience and it really changed me, ok?" he said. "This offer might not stand forever. You don't want to miss it. And it will all be completely confidential."

Snape ignored him.

"What if I pay you to get me to do whatever you want?"

"You'd _pay_ me to make you do something?"

"But I can't do anything bad. It has to be good. I can't kill someone for you or anything like that, I don't think. Well, maybe myself, but if you're the wrong person then it will really be a waste of suicide and then I can't do what I'm trying to do...Unless the deed is in fact to off myself, which would be pointless because I _was_ just dead, YOU HEAR?"

Heads turned when Sirius screamed at the ceiling. If Snape hadn't been convinced he had lost his marbles before he was now.

"I'll let you pay me to make you do something," he said and scribbled down his request.


	5. Chapter 5

BAD TIMING

PART 5

He didn't know how Snape even knew Narcissa, but no matter. Sirius was going to fix him that nude photograph with next to no effort. As with most of his schemes it seemed, it involved writing a letter:

 _Hi Cissa!  
_

 _This is your sister Bell writing. Fancy a swim at the pool tonight?_

He owled the letter, took his camera with him to Diagon Alley and hid in a locker in the ladie's changing room in the Town Pool.

Sure, he ended up with two bruised eyes but he got the job done.

But the Grim Reaper did not appear to let him know that his good deed had been done. And surely he'd have the courtesy to let him know if he had the right person at least.

In the days that followed he did Heidi Horseface's hair, he made Cas accept Henrietta the Hippo as a cheerleader and he reached for stuff at the top of shelves instead of placing them higher up for the vertically impaired but no hooded figure appeare to praise him for his saintly ways.

Remus was full of crazy ideas. He thought that deeds done in self-interest couldn't be considered to be properly good and that if you really did something truly good you felt it but Sirius found all that to be completely irrelevant. The hooded figure had not asked for Sirius to not act in self interest and he had not asked him to feel anything in particular and where Sirius was concerned he was free to come down and clarify the conditions any time so Sirius wouldn't have to waste his time doing useless goodness that didn't count as goodness anyway and the hooded figure wouldn't have to waste time waiting and looking at everything he did.

The week that followed he began to act respectful towards groups like vegans, feminists, mudbloods and Hufflepuffs, people he generally found to be tossers and when that didn't do the trick he started to doubt that the person he needed to be good to was at Hogwarts at all.

It was sometime o clock in the evening and Sirius hadn't noticed that he had wandered to the depths of the library. It was fairly empty and filled with a sort of natural silence a librarian couldn't achieve by shushing. Since he was here anyway he thought he'd change his thoughts and tried to recall what homework he had and when the next exam was. Then he saw the sole visitor for the evening, Reg. Was there a chance the hooded figure could have referred to him in a trick-question sort of way, Sirius wondered. Maybe he hadn't meant for him to do good to the last person he _wanted_ to do good, but somebody he took himself for granted to have in his best interest but still ended up forgetting about most of the time. Not that it mattered because proper good was never done in self interest bla bla bla and so forth. There was no way the hooded figure could expect him to not act in self interest after making very clear he'd suffer a very dull hell if he didn't fullfill his task.

"I am exhausted!" he said, sitting down, casting a glance at Reg's homework, at stuck a fag in his mouth. "Who knew that doing good things all day could be sooo tiresome." Yawn.

"Did you come here to make me feel bad?" Reg asked.

"Why do you say that?"

"Complaing how exhausting it is to do good things? Because doing good things is sooo difficult for you, because you're sooo bad and I'm just... not!" Sigh.

"Do some bad things, then."

"Like what?"

" I don't know. Kill your house elf."

"I don't want to! Oh, you're just like _them. '_ Come on, it's just a house elf, kill it already! You're not _good_ are you?' I swear I am not! I just don't get it... Why does evil come so easily to everybody else?"

Why indeed.

"I just wish there was a way I could project a tougher image sometimes."

"If that's all you want, I have the solution right here!"

Sirius stuck his fag in Reg's mouth. He didn't know what to do with it, but that didn't matter, since all he wanted to do was project a tough image.

"I've never smoked. I look like an idiot."

"No you look really complicated."

"Complicated? Really?"

A group of Slytherins came by.

"Hi Reg," said a girl ."We thought you were really miserable. But now we can see you're complicated. We're going to a party now. You're welcome too now, since you're clearly more mysterious and complicated than we realised. See you around."

And with that they were gone.

Reggie couldn't understand how simply a fag in his mouth could hide all his inner weakness, but such was simply the magic of fags.

The Grim Reaper did not appear this time either. Sirius was sure he had covered everybody he didn't like. Just who were left?


	6. Chapter 6

BAD TIMING

PART 6

After a few weeks of doing good for others, doing good for others almost did feel good. No, not in a fruity way, not in the way good people meant. It felt empowering. Sirius almost fel like a genie (or _djinn!_ Phnegh, phnegh, phnegh!), being capable of fixing everything. He was practically a God, with both the power of service and betrayal. Mwahaha!

The initial anxiety over the moral test had died down by now. At this point Sirius was just habitually offering services left and right, like it was a game. At Herbology he offered them to Fletcher. Had he ever done anything good for Fletcher? He couldn't really think of any such occasion.

"You'll do something for me?" said Fletcher. "Make Mac love me!"

"I can't make people feel things," Sirius told him. "For other people. The bloke didn't specifically say this, but my geek interpreter insists that drugging people isn't allowed."

Fletcher was already disappointed.

"Well, what can you do, then?"

"A sandwich? A make-over? I can find you a therapist, so you can finally overcome that hydrophobia."

"Could you get me a girlfriend?"

"I could, but I'd have to find you a therapist so you can overcome your hydrophobia first, possibly a stylist second, a dry cleaner third. I need to make a list."

Fletcher was already dreaming. "Maybe the therapist and I will develop feelings for eachother."

"Who knows what doors will open once you start showering?"

"Could you give me a make-over that would involve no water whatsoever?"

That's how they did make-overs in the 1700's. He would need a lot of power, but he still had his Marie Antoinette wig lying around somewhere.

XXX

Fletcher sat on a stool later that day, coughing and sneezing from the powder and immensely uncomfortable in the tights. Sirius gave him some novelty fangs from the Box Of Random Crap.

"Put these on."

"Why?"

"You look sick with consumption. Might as well turn you into a vampire."

"V-vampire?!"

"Yes, chicks dig sickly vampires! Haven't you noticed the _I Don't Bite Hard_ craze?"

"Sure I have. But I thought gorgons were the latest rage, what with that show on telly, _Teen Gorgon._ I wouldn't want to meet a gorgon but that Basil Rattle is a hoot! When that girl with the hopeless crush thought she was kissing him in the dark but it was really one of his head snakes, that was _so_ funny! I wish a girl would have a hopeless crush on me…"

"Then _put these on!"_

Fletcher put the fangs in his mouth, and Sirius painted his lips with the reddest of his lipsticks.

This was the least satisfaction he had ever gotten from giving a make-over. The results weren't too bad, the problem was that Fletcher's round face didn't really signal sick-with-tuberculosis. So Sirius shaded his cheeks generously with a darker powder to give them a more hollow look, but Fletcher still looked ridiculously plumpy in the tights. Oh well, it would have to do. Sirius used a whole bunch of spray on him to finish it off, such as disinfectant, ovencleaner, hairspray, perfume and one he said was perfume when it was in fact a mixture of water and soap.

"The last spray was actually water mixed with soap and look you survived!"

"What? How could you?" Fletcher ran out of the dorm, screaming for a mud bath.

Sirius began to pack stuff, or rather, shoving stuff where there really was no room.

"Alright, Mr. Death. You can show up now."

But nobody showed up. Sirius sat down, really beginning to feel dispirited now.

"Well I just don't know, I feel like I've covered everybody now! If it's somebody I don't know then that's just unfair then you can just come back and fetch me right now!"

"Now look," said Remus. "I actually contacted the Grim Reaper per ouija board and asked if it was ok if I gave you a hint, since you seem to be genuinely clueless."

What, he actually knew who the right person was?  
"You make it sound like it's obvious," said Sirius.

"Cleary not to you."

"So could you give me a hint?"

"It's definitely somebody in our...house."

"I thought I had done everybody in our house. I did you, I did Cas. Don't think I've done Prongs, 'though."

"I can't really think of anything to ask of you, besides for you to be my slave for a year," said James.

"Somehow I don't think you're the 'last person I'd be good to'. And I don't think Moony and Cas fall into that category, either."

"They were wrong, 'though, so you can rule them out."

Sirius tried to think of the others in their house.

"Hm. I wonder what Mac would ask of me?"

"For Fletcher to not get powder over her homework?"

Sirius turned to Remus. "Did you choose the hint?"

"Yes," Remus replied.

"Couldn't you have chosen a better one?"

"You're looking for the 'last person you'd be good to', right? Why would Mac fit into that?"

"Honestly I wouldn't have thought she did. I don't think I've ever given her a reason to be upset with me."

"Ok, then who might you have given a reason to be upset with you?"

"I don't _know!_ It depends how you judge, dunnit? Or who judges... I've pissed you off lots of times. Is it you? I don't think I've actually asked you what you wanted."

"It's no me."

"Maybe it should be."

"You're nice to me most of the time. The question is..," And now he was being delicate. "Who, do you think, could you stand to be just a little nicer too?"

"I don't _know!_ Probably _everybody!"_

The door opened.

"Ok I have the coffee," said Peter, carrying a tray.

Sirius threw himself back, and mumbled. "Suddenly I want tea..."

"Ok I'll be back."

"Coffee would help me think better, 'though..."

"What's that?"

"I said I want tea!"

Peter hurried out of the dorm.

"Oh it doesn't matter..." Sirius sighed.

"Mhm, and what what else doesn't matter this does not count as a hint ok..." said Remus, tending to a fishtank.

"Sports results. Contemporary art. Flora that isn't flesh eating. Fungi that isn't psychedelic..."

"Oh!" James exclaimed and went to whisper in Remus's ear. "Is it psst psst psst?"

"No," said Remus.

"Well I just don't know for how long you expect to play this joke on us by being deliberately confusing and vague. I really thought you took this seriously!"

"I can't be anybody important," said Sirius.

"Ok, so who isn't important?" Remus asked, very interested in that tank now. He was clearly battling a particularly stubborn stain.

"I don't have time for games, ok?" said Sirius, irritated. "I don't want to go to the underworld I have to figure out who this death person was talking about but if you don't want to help that's fine!"  
" _Fine!_ Then I'll just go and feed my fairies! My _fat and blonde fairies_ that I know you're not interested in, has made no impression on you and who you wouldn't notice if they disappeared! They're not capable of much else than being _fat and blonde_ but, you know, sometimes when I'm bored I like to joke about what _fat fairies_ they are!"

What day was it, now?  
"...Really?" said Sirius, looking for his calendar.

"I'm not giving up on you but I am taking a break."  
"If I'm meant to be nice to your fat fairies…"

"Who is the least important person in the world to you?"

"The least important person in the world?"

"Ok, never mind that. Who is the most boring person you know?"

"Wormtail."

" _Yes!"_

Silence hung in the air, polluting the relief of the much delayed progress.

"You said some mean things," said Sirius.

"I know," said Remus, tiredly as well as shamefully.

"I mean _wow!"  
_ "Yes, alright!"  
"Who is unimportant, doesn't matter, isn't capable of anything except being fat, boring-"

"Now, boring helped you guess it!"  
"I think it says more about your attitude than mine-"

" _Alright!"_

"You know what would be embarrassing?" James asked. "If Wormtail's been outside the whole time, if he's heard everything."

"Would it, 'though?" Sirius asked.

"Ok not for you."

Just to make sure nobody was outside the door, Remus checked and thankfully nobody was.

"Would you care?" Sirius asked.

Pause.

"Of _course_ I'd care."

"You paused, liar. Oh my word..."

"Shut up!"

"Well that's a shame he left to cry about it somewhere, I do hope he returns soon and asks me to slap you around a bit for saying such _cruel, cruel_ things, now there's something we can both enjoy."

"And Wormtail as well," said James.


	7. Chapter 7

BAD TIMING

PART 7

Next morning, in Transfiguration class.

"So," said Sirius to Peter. "Turns out you're the lucky one. So go on. What do you want? A girlfriend? It's a girlfriend, right? Everybody wants a girlfriend. Unless they're gay, of course, but I think the gays would take offence if you were gay. So, what's her name and allergies?"

"I have thought about it long and hard the past few weeks!" said Peter.

" _Weeks?"_

"And I've decided that... that..."

"Cough ice cubes down the pants cough," mumbled Remus between actual coughs.

"I'd shut up if I were you," Sirius told him.

"Cough and take them off in the witch's locker room cough."

"I decided not to go with that after all," said Peter.

"Of course you did!" said Sirius. "Because you're not _cruel_ and say _cruel things_ like _some!"_

"I decided that instead of you sticking ice cubes in your pants, I want… I want us to be best friends!"

Woosh, said a passing tumbleweed. The classroom was full of tumbleweeds and crickets now, because they were practicing turning crickets to tumbleweeds today.

"Sorry but that position is taken," said Sirius.

"Second best friends, then!"

"Also taken."  
"Third best friend?"

"Sorry, you really should have applied sooner. So, when I stick the ice cubes down my pants, do you want to be around for it, or shall I just snap some pictures for you?"

But Peter was stubborn, and surprisingly demanding.

"I was told I could ask for anything I want and I want us to be best friends and that's that!"

"But why? Apparently I treat you like crap anyway, it's why I have to do you a stupid favour!"  
"But you wouldn't… if we were best friends…And people would think I was so cool…"

Sigh. This sure was awkward.

"If anybody else would like to intervene, now is a good time..," said Sirius.

"It's just words anyway, innit?" James whispered. "It has no meaning in an of itself, but if it will put an end to everything, let him call you whatever he wants I say."

"Fine. Fine."

Somebody knocked on the classroom door.

"Come in, Mr. Reaper," said McGonagall when she opened.

The Grim Reaper headed straight for the chaps. McGonagall told the remaining class to pay less attention to them and more attention to their exercises.

"Alright," said the Grim Reaper. "Have you decided?"

"Yes he may call me what he wants, am I off the hell hook now?" Sirius asked.

"I believe he wants you to be bestfriends and SO IT SHALL BE!"  
The Grim Reaper raised his scythe.

"Woah, woah!" said James. Why do you have to say it in such a booming voice like it's a major deal?"

"It is a major deal. So major in fact that it needs my extraordinary cosmic powers to realise it."

"How is it a major deal exactly?"

"Watch."


	8. Chapter 8

BAD TIMING

PART 8

James was positively OUTRAGED!

"What we need is to knock Wormtail down a flight of stairs and find somebody who can ask him from Padfoot because he is MINE, dammit!"

Fist in table.

"You also need this hypothetical person to be the last person he'd be good to," said Remus. "And for Wormtail to be put through the same test."  
"I am working under the presumption that everybody is put through the same test, it makes things more convenient. Now think! Who's the last person he'd be good to?"

Finding a person who was the last person Peter would be good to while at the same time desired him for a best friend, it was just an impossible task that involved far too much speculation.

"You know," said James. "I just don't buy that Wormtail is the _absolute last person_ that Padfoot would be good to, but I suppose it depends on the interpretation. But even if we ranked everybody he'd be remotely good to, I could still think of a few he'd be even _less_ good, to."

"Like who?"

"Several people. I think he's just the last _of us_ he'd be good to, because let's be honest, they've never been friends. So therfore I also believe that you're the last person that Wormtail would be good to, because you're not very cool, but I mean that in a good way."

"So you want to kick him off a flight of stairs, and then want me to ask to be best friends with him?"

"I mean, why not? Weren't you already?"

"No."

"Well maybe you should be."

"Look, maybe it's best to wait a little before anybody is kicked off a flight of stairs, ok?"

"No its not! It's not ok!"  
"Eventually he will see that Padfoot is under a spell and lose interest."

"That is not at all what will happen! He will acquire lots of coolness points which is all he cares about! Those points used to be mine! Now everybody is going to realize I'm actually a dork…"

"You know, before we do anything rash, how about we just _ask_ the Grim Reaper for advice, before somebody dies for nothing."

But James had a better idea, one he only just thought of.

"I know! Let's go back in time! That way we can stop Padfoot from falling down the stairs! And let's eliminate all platform shoes from his wardrobe while we're at it. We can use that stop watch McGonagall hands out to students who are really struggling to keep up. Now, I wonder if it's being used at the moment."

At that very moment Toady passed them by, fiddling with a stop watch. Shortly after a Flemish Toady came by in the opposite direction. A Toady in a space suit asked if they had seen a space ship anywhere.

"I think there's a spare," said Remus.

And so they went to ask McGonagall for the spare.

XXX

Professor McGonagall fixed the chaps with a stern gaze.

"What do you need it for?"

"We just feel like we could burn ourselves out a little more," James told her.

McGonagall lit up instantly and gave them a red egg timer.

"Oh, right! Splendid! Here you are! But remember, _don't-"_

"-be careful, we know," said James.

"No, _be_ careful."

"We'll be careful, discrete and won't interfere with anything because that can have apocalyptic consequences."

"Jolly good, then. Unless, of course, it is necessary for personal, sentimental reasons."

"We'll be supre careful, honest. Unless personal, sentimental reasons."

"Very well. Off you go now."

And off they went to find a nice secluded spot where they could go back in time. They found themselves a nice cupboard where they could turn back the time.

The world around them spun and all that. James and Remus hopped out of the cupboard as soon as the spinning stopped, and set off to prevent Sirius from slipping on that banana peel.

"I'll show you. This weekend," they heard past-Sirius tell past-Remus.

James reached out to stop him from falling just in the nick of time but, in a bizarre twist of events, Remus wound up toppling down those stairs in his place.

Present-Remus disappeared altogether, as if he was mere smoke.

This had to be why this particular flight of stairs was nicknamed the Death Stairs.


	9. Chapter 9

BAD TIMING

PART 9

The library was quiet and dark. Remus looked between his list and the shelves.

"Strange Things In Strange Locations, Vol. 4."

Volume 1 was in, and so was 2, 3 and... 5.

Sigh. _Typical._ He moved on to the next book he was after.

"Weird Stuff In Weird Places, Vol. 2."

Volume 1 was in, as was 3, 4 and 5.

Everytime! He tried his luck with Odd Stuff And How To Catch Them, volumes 6 and 8. But of course, all volumes were in except those two.

It was so frustrating, so frustrating in fact it was like...

Hell.

He froze. Was he having that terrible dream again? He couldn't be, or there'd be growling sounds and panorama windows, but he pinched himself just to be sure.

He heard something, a swishy kind of sound, like that of a cape being turned to use and overused simile. He dreaded to turn.

"Hello," said a deep, booming voice.

Oh thank God, it wasn't that terrible dream after all! Giving a sigh of relief, Remus turned to face the mystery person which turned out to be the Grim Reaper.

"Hi," he replied.

But, if he was honest, he was still a wee bit scared of the Grim Reaper. He was freakishly tall and hooded, so there was no reading his hollow eye sockets.

"You're time has not yet come," said the Grim Reaper.

"Then why am I in hell?"

"Because there's no salvation for werewolves, obviously. However, you're time to be one of Lucifer's wicked minions has not yet come. Currently you're life is hanging by a thread. I'll return you to the world of the living on one condition."

"What condition?"

"You must show true bravery. And no, that does not mean to poke your head in wardrobes and pretend it's something else. Nor does it mean to kill a dark wizard. It does not mean to expose yourself to some pretend-anxiety and think happy thoughts."

Mind blowing stuff.

"Then, what _does_ it mean?"

"It means do do what is truly difficult, risking what is truly important, because it's right."

Oh crud. At least he was willing to clarify a bit.

"If I consider my life truly important-"

"Then you'd be unbeliavably selfish. No, it does not mean to sacrifice your life either, because you'd just like it."

Not really, knowing what his afterlife entailed now. Yet, it seemed so unfair. Sirius got such an easier task! This task, the way it was phrased and what it implied, would be diffifult for _anyone!_

"Well, his father owns the underworld after all," said Grim Reaper, mind reading. "And also, consider yourself specia.l"

Then he snapped his fingers.


	10. Chapter 10

BAD TIMING

PART 10

The Hospital Wing.

"Show true bravery?" said James, in regards to the Task. "That's easy! All you have to do is find a Dark Wizard, kill him, and bonus points if your life is at stake!"

"No the Grim Reaper said that won't do," said Remus.

"So I guess you will have to stick your head in Slug's wardrobe and pretend Narnia is something else," said Sirius.

"That's not it either, apparently."

"Well, you always have those kissy things in the Old Folks Home, I guess."

"Nope."

"Well, so what _did_ he mean, then?" James asked. "Does he have his own doolally definition?"

"Pretty much. _He_ said that true bravery is doing what is difficult, risking what is important, because it's right."

"Ohhhh," said Sirius, getting it now. "That's the poor man's bravery. You know, for those who don't have the balls to come face to face with a proper Dark Wizard in a fatal battle. Got to give the weakly spined something, too, so they can feel good about themselves and think that _they're_ the _truly_ brave ones."

"Oh, right," said James. "What was that quote now?"

" 'It takes courage to stand up to your enemies, but it takes more courage to stand up to your friends' !"

The two shared a massively roaring laugh at the nonsensical twaddle. Tears gushed from their eyes and their tummies hurt.

"Well, at least the Grim Reaper wasn't too specific," James thought. "Just looking for something difficult, risky and right. Hmmm..."

"Oh I know!" said Sirius, simultaneously tending to his runny mascara. "Horse betting! It's difficult, risky, but money is right!"

"Quidditch is difficult and risky, as well as very right."

"Could you take this seriously, please? What else? Cosmetic surgery, in some cases..."

"You want to take this seriously, Padfoot? The answer is pretty obvious, don't you think?"

"... Is it?"

"Yes it's obvious! I can't believe you can't see how obvious it is!"

"And it's not horse betting, or a make-over?"

"You're close. I mean, the solution is not getting _inside_ the closet, yeah? So, ergo, it must be...!"

"Oh. I've actually never _really_ believed that he was a puff!"

"Who are you talking about?" Remus asked.

"Hey, it takes courage to come out to your enemies, but it takes MORE courage-"

"'To your enemies'?"

Shrug. "I imagine."

"I'm not a puff!"

"If you say so. I'm still glad we had this talk. Hey, maybe that was it!"

Alas... It wasn't.

"That's not what I was suggesting," said James. "It's just a figure of speech."

"Uhm I get that I've never actually encountered any puffs in a closet, except that time Moony decided to have a go at weed."

Medicinal, 'though.

"We'll attend to your compulsory wise-cracking and mum dreams some other time," said James. "I'm just laying it out on the table, what I think. Let me know if there's an appropriate show tune to accompany it, but it's time to come out!"  
" _Heeeeey wooooorld heeeeere IIIII Aaaaaammm!"_

 _"_ He's coming out, not you."

"Who told you you're allowed to rainnnn on my furraaaaaaaaaaaaaade!"

"What are you talking about?" Remus asked. "Just what? Just what? Just what? Just what?"

"Oh no! He's stuck in some kind of loop!"

Happened _all_ the time.

He was already wheezing into a paper bag and rocking back and forth.

"You can't be serious," he said, but really he was talking to himself at this hysterical point. "After everything I worked for? Coming this far? Just a few more years... Throwing it all away. Inquisitors, inquisitors everywhere. I smell smoke. Where's the smoke coming from? Is there a fire somewhere? Happy place, happy place, happy place..."

"Time to slap him, here I go!"

"Well, sorry to be the messenger," said James. "But the time has come for-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Remus cried out.  
"-Shishi to go. But it's just what I think!"

"Happy place happy place- Shishi?"

"Yeah. What did you think?"

"Well you said 'come out'!"

"I know! To McGonagall, with Shishi!"

"What would be the point of that?"

"To show courage, try to keep up!"

"How would that be right in anyway?"

"Well he wees in my shoes, can't say I'd miss him."

"But we _need_ Shishi!" said Sirius.

"I know we all knew this was going to be _difficult!"_

"Well blasted you're right."

Remus sighed. He didn't want to give up Shishi, nor could he believe that could be the task. But just whatelse could it be?


	11. Chapter 11

BAD TIMING

PART 11

Giving up Shishi couldn't be the task, surely. Could it? Remus didn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. He watched the kappa wee in James's shoe, sad at the thought of parting with him, hearing sentimental piano music.

" _Shishi may be the face I can't forget_

 _The trace of pleasure or regret_

 _May be my treasure or the price I have to pay,"_

That was Sirius, on a slightly out of tune children's piano from a dumpster. It was crafted from a tree that was possessed by some kind of spirit. There were many trees like that, and they made quite angry pianos.

" _Shishi may be the song that summer sings_

 _Maybe the chill that autumn brings_

 _Maybe a slimy little thing_

 _Weeing in trainers all the day-_ Ow the piano bit me! _"_

'Slightly bi' indeed!

"I'm going to be a werepiano!"

"I've thought about that," said Remus.

"Have you?"

"I have , like, ten shelleycoats. I could probably stand to part with one."

"Sure, but where's the risk? Where's the courage, maaan?"

"Well! You've clearly never handled a shelleycoat!"

"No I haven't. What's that like?"

"I'll risk getting water in my boots. And then pneumonia. Now that takes courage."

"If you say so.

 _SHISHI WHO ALWAYS SEEMS SO FISHY IN A CROWD-"_

Then James came in, putting and end to the bloody singing simply with his presence.

"Idiot Slytherins won't get out of my face it's like they're in love with me, well, who can blame them?"

"Did they book the pitch again?"

"We were there first, but that's too advanced a concept to grasp for their tiny brains. So, how's that task coming along?"

"I think I'll actually miss Shishi, but you're right, that's what makes it the correct task, the difficulty of it. Not sure about those smellygoats, sorry."

"It's the definite way of getting Death off his back, I am sure of it."

He had a very quick lie down.

"I'm bored let's do something."

"Well," said Sirius, whipping out that map. "Dorm S is looking empty at the moment. How about we get some of those Giant Bees that Haggers got from his mum for his birthday?"

"I'm always up for some of that harmless fun."

"Can't get enough of that harmless fun."


	12. Chapter 12

BAD TIMING

PART 12

James and Sirius never got tired of unleashing Giant Bees on everybody they saw deserving of it. For potions class they stuck a Giant Bee in a bottle marked Eye of Newt. When Slughorn opened it as part of his introductional demonstration it stung him in the eye and got stuck there.

"Oh no I'm allergic!" he cried, as prefects Crool and Vicious helped him to the door. "Am I swollen?"

Snort.

"Would anybody be able to tell?" Sirius mumbled.

"There aren't enough bees in the world to make him _that_ swollen," James mumbled back.

It looked like there wouldn't been any potions class today.

"Now that's what I call harmless fun," said Sirius, packing.

"I guess we have some time over to say our goodbyes to Shishi now," said James, also packing.

"Hey man," said Remus, just failing to see the harmless fun for the funless harm. "You have to stop releasing bees people could die."

"No they won't!" said James.  
"Don't be such an agony aunt come on!" said Sirius.

"You just feel sorry for the bees. Feel sorry for Shishi."  
"The bees are fine!"  
Then they stuck their nose in the map.

"Now where is that Sourpus Grape now?"

"I think he just left."

"Then let's release some bees in there before he gets back!"

"Sounds good! I love me some of that harmless fun!"

"Who doesn't?"


	13. Chapter 13

BAD TIMING

PART 13

Somebody had tipped Professor McGonagall off last night, thusly sparing Snape from being hassled by giant bees a fifth time. So Giant Bees were now out. But that was all fine, because Fletcher had an angry demonic tree he wanted to get rid of and James and Sirius were happy to take it off his hands for some of his Buffalo Weed.

They stoved it in the Wishy Room, quickly, and rushed to the dorm to look for the map.

But the map was nowhere to be found among the piles of disorganised crap.

"Where is it? Where did you put it?" James asked, tossing trash around him.

"Where did I put it? You had it!"  
"I hope it's not hiding under your underwear again!"

"I hope it's not hiding in your underwear again!"

They searched and searched but the map was nowhere to be found. And so they went to the library.

"Where's the map do you have it?" they asked Remus.

There was quite the pause.

"I gave it to McGonagall," Remus replied after that pause.

Blank faces.

"You are joking."

"You wouldn't stop releasing Giant Bees everywhere."

"You gave it to McGonagall over some bees? Are you out of your mind?" James asked.

"We could have released something else bloody hell!" said Sirius.

"It wasn't about the bees-" said Remus.

"No, it was about _you_ doing 'the right thing' because of some _scare_ , because you certainly didn't bother before!"  
"Did he at least show up to pat you on the back or whatever he does?" James asked.

Crack, the sound effect. And lo, Death stood amongst them.

"So sorry I am late," came his deep, booming voice á la Christopher Lee, minus the caps lock. "Well, it looks like you did the task. The fact that your after life entails beeing Lucifer's minion just adds to the selflessness points, because you could have just refused on account of not winning anything. Although you did postpone your death, and I suppose that was enough of a motivator for you. That was all a waste of talk. Ok bye."

Then he was gone.

"After everything we've done for you," said James, twisting the knife some more.

"I thought we were friends," said Sirius, just shoving it just a weee bit further in the tissue.

Doing the good and right, how good could it feel really?


	14. Chapter 14

BAD TIMING

PART 14

Naturally, the following day Remus was still not in the brightest of moods. The book club that evening was a welcome distraction. Among the other members, most of them fairly like minded, he didn't feel like the most horrible being on earth. After the meeting he just had Jules Verne and what a boring author he was in his mind, how reading classic literature was a waste of time. Yes he was just walking along thinking of what a fantastically meaningless piece of fiction Michael Strogoff: Courier of the Czar was, when his path was blocked.

"Hey man listen," said James, seeming quite friendly now actually. "We talked it over and decided that we were waaay too harsh yesterday, and said a few things in an effort to make you feel really crappy, and that wasn't very fair."

"It was an important task," said Sirius. "You really helped me, so I should have been more supportive and understanding. But we just couldn't believe what you had done."

"Anyway. In the end, your peace is more important than some toy."

"Really?" Remus asked.

"Don't look so skeptical of course it is!"  
"So you really don't mind that it's gone, then?"

"Hey, things come and go! It's just the nature of things. It had it's run. Time to move on."

"I was getting bored with it anyway," said Sirius.

"So you won't go back in time to stop me from falling so I wont give it to McGonagall?" Remus asked.

Quite the pause. James and Sirius just shrugged and shook their heads.

"Pfffft!"

"No!"

"No no no!"

"No no no no!"

"You've already gone, and you two are from a different time line, aren't you?" Remus asked.

"Yes."

XXX

Meanwhile, present day-James and Sirius had gone back in time, as mentioned. They waited, hiding behind a column.

First they saw Sirius and Remus reaching the top of the stairs.

Crack. Just as Sirius was about to slip on that banana peel and fall, past-James and second-past Remus appeared just in the nick of time to prevent that.

"Confusing stuff, are you sure we've got us sorted out properly?" said present-Sirius, already confused.

"No time for that! Now we must prevent first-past-Moony from falling come on!" said James.

That was easier said than done, considering both Remi were identical, but they managed to snagged the correct one.

But, in a twist of events, present-James (or past-James, it all happened to fast for anybody keep track) wound up falling down those stairs instead.

Typical!


	15. Chapter 15

BAD TIMING

PART 15

A light breeze blew. The second halftime was almost over. The score was Gryffindor 0 - Slytherin 200 Billion.

"That's just impossible," James thought. "This has to be..."

Hell.

Around him, he was well booed by spectators for being so sucky at this game. He was so humiliated, he didn't notice a bludger coming his way. It knocked him off his Ziggy Stardust. Lying on the wet ground, wincing in pain, a hooded figure suddenly stood over him.

"Hello," came his booming voice.

"Hi a little help?"

"Yes. You are in Limbo."

"Oh good, I thought it was hell."

"Just think, how much worse hell will be for you."

Swallow.

"I guess you have some sort of test for me," James said.

"You are correct. A special tailored test for you, because you are so extremely arrogant."

Eye roll. "Not _that_ arrogant, not more arrogant than the standard person."

"You are so arrogant you make Lucifer blush with your arrogance."

"Really?"

"No! Wow, are you really so arrogant you think you got anything on Lucifer? Wow!"

"Alright, so what's the test already?"

"You have to show humility."

"Ok that sounds easy enough."

"Do you really think so? Wow!"

"Hey I'm not so bad!"

"We'll see how well you do in your test."

And then he snapped his fingers.


	16. Chapter 16

BAD TIMING

PART 16

So now it seemed like James had to "show humility", whatever that meant!

Sure, he could have gone back in time to remove the banana peel altogether, but he was not one to chicken out of a challenge. Besides, he could be humble for sure.

"Oh really when have you ever shown any humility ever?" Sirius asked.

"How about the time... Or when..."

"But except for those occasions."

"But what does it really mean, you know?"

"Hey I wouldn't know either."

Humility, it was like a riddle. Where to even begin? Was he to wait around for something to turn up, or did he have to actively show humility in some way?

He couldn't ask somebody who knew humility better, because Remus would just have answers he wouldn't like, he just knew it.

"Oh," said Sirius. "What if you ran around naked in public? Outside? That would be humiliating!"

"Yeah I guess it would be I think I'll try that!"

But as it turned out, running around naked was not the way to show humility. It was the way to spend detention cleaning the windows in the hospital wing, but not the way to show humility.

"I am just not very good at cleaning windows," James said. "Look at the streaks. I must be the worst person at cleaning windows."

But no, that was apparently not showing humility either.

"You have to mean it," said Sirius.

"But look at the streaks!"

"I don't think the Grim Reaper truly believes those streaks bother you."

"You are right. Sometimes you are right, when I'm not."

"I guess you could say I am wiser than you are."

"I guess I could say that. You are wiser than I am, because you figured out those streaks don't really bug me. How very wise of you."

Damn. This humility business was tough! If only somebody would pour some buckets of blood over his head or something!

"I once cleaned up owl turds," James recalled. "I didn't like it very much, but I didn't protest."

"You threw your turdy rags at at everybody you could see. 150 points for every Slytherin. You called them Snitches."

"But I did the task, without protest, which shows humility, and there is nobody around to tell me otherwise."

Because of the book club, so ha!

Sirius shut his eyes tightly, as if he had a headache, and pressed his fingers against his temples.

"What are you doing? Stop it"

"Mind reading hang on."

"That is rude, bothering somebody at the book club!"

Finished mind-reading, Sirius opened his eyes.

"You showed no humility at all, because you did not show any respect for the task. Throwing those rags was very much an act of protest."

"I suppose you've already asked what he thinks I have to do!"  
"Yup!" Smirk.

And of course, it wasn't difficult at all to guess what that was.

"Oh, alright! I guess I'll let Slytherin win the next game!"

"No, that's not it."

"It's not? That would be humiliating!"

"That would be very patronising of you."

"Not my fault they couldn't hit the north pole with a magnet!"

That was never going to catch on. They could here Fletcher's distant voice calling: you Gryffindors can't even find your own catch phrases!

"Can too," said Sirius. "My super hero catch phrases were the stuff of legends."

"Alright, so what do I have to do?" said James.

"You have to find everybdoy you've ever wronged and say you're _so sooooweeee!_ "

"I've never wronged anybody who didn't deserve it. And how nitpicky are we?"

"Very."

It sounded reasonable enough.

"But I'm not sorry."

"Then I guess you have failed to show humility and will suffer a tortorous afterlife."

"I can pretend, that's fine."

"Ok good. If you act convincingly enough for them to believe it, after all, this is actually about putting yourself aside and doing something nice for them, I am told."

"Very well I better make a list over whose faces I need to lie to."

"And make a note of not acting exagerratedly sarcastic."

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Because you think it is so unfair that you have to do it, and it would be your way to express protest."

"Don't stop getting that room!"

What an arduous task, just making a list of every overly sensitive person that had potentially taken offence to some harmless remark at some one point or another. People were so sensitive, didn't they care about free speech at all? What was wrong with them?


	17. Chapter 17

BAD TIMING

PART 17

By the end of the week James was almost done with his list. He had just told Hilda the Hippo that she wasn't obese, she was _curvy_ and that _real_ women had _curves_ and that made her happier. Now, only one left, and the worst one, too.

Snape.

There was simply no getting around it.

He had given him what he deserved on so many occasions. Perhaps it had been unprovoked once or twice, but one or two times he had brought it on himself with his own pasty asshattery.

And now the definition of humility was hidden again. How could he ever put himself aside and do something good for Snape when there was no person that deserved it less? It was like showing humility to Hitler, as far as he was concerned.

"I thought I'd be able to just fake it," said James. "It was so easy with everybody else on the list, because none of them ever did anything. But everytime I see him all I want to do is hoist him high and expose his butt for all to see. Yeah I'd do it again, I don't regret it one bit!"

And also: best audience ever!

"I do I still can't get the image out..," said Sirius.

"I am stuck on this one. I think I would much rather take the eternal hell!"

"But it's not just eternal hell, but eternal hell soon. And Hagrid's got that Giant Ant Farm, who is going to release his Giant Ants with me?"

"Are you really so stubborn you won't even take some acting lessons?" Remus asked.

"It's not being stubborn, it's being true to ones convictions," James had to explain.

"It's being too stubborn to put these convictions aside."

"What if the Nazi fighters had put their convictions aside, huh?"

"What if Hitler had put his convictions aside?"

"Did _you_ just compare me to Hitler?"

Sirius chanted fight, fight, fight but Remus was not too stubborn to pretend he was in the wrong. Then, since he simply could not argue against such sense and logic, he left.

"If there was a humility potion would you take it?" Sirius asked.

"No way!"

"What about a potion that would make you want to take it?"

"So you think I should just bend over for some scawy twit in a hood?"

"Nobody wants you to bend over more than me, but that's beside the point. But I'm being a shellfish coat. Standing up to ones convictions isn't something you only do when there's no threat."

"Thank you!"

"Let me tele-think that, that was good."

And so he shut his eyes tightly.

"Ok that was that."

"What did he say?"

"That we should always wear helmets."

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't think our heads could fit in an MRI."

Some people just couldn't admit they were wrong.


	18. Chapter 18

BAD TIMING

PART 18

The time, it was coming. Very soon. At first James had thought he'd not go back in time, that he'd hold his head high like a balloon in the face of the Grim Reaper. After all, part of his conviction of the importance of sticking to convictions was to no allow some poe impersonator to push him around.

And as much as he had loved to stay and fight, Death did had cosmic or divine powers. Admitting that was just showing true humility. James thought. Death did not seem to agree.

James fiddled with the egg timer. He was going to remove the banana peel once and for all, and undo all falling.

"So how far should I go back? Ten days?"

"I've lost track but I think it's been closer to ten weeks," said Sirius.

James turned back the time 10 weeks. The world spun, until it spun no more.

Things seemed... different, somehow, and sepia toned. A group of witches passed by, just as much behind the times in the fashion and hair department as their mums, sporting the same massive hives and conical undergarments.

"Are you sure you set the time back ten _weeks?"_ Remus asked.

"You makes it sounds like I set it back ten years," said James, but double checked to be sure.

"Woo free love!" cried a random group of students as they tore their robes off.

Rules sure had been liberal back then.

"Well, I forgive you," said Sirius.

The chaps as good as forgot what they had come back for, baffled by all the LSD, afternoon delight and unrecognisable teachers. For they had also spotted professor McGonagall, ten fashion statements younger, her hive a rich chestnut without a streak of bitter defeat and her glasses a hornrimmed peppermint affair.

And the most astonishing of all...

She was high as a kite and fuming like a chimney!

Even the paintings were high as kites!

There was nobody that did not live up to the cinematic stereotype.

"Laterz, twats!" said Sirius, turning around to find a different group to get aquainted with, when his intents were hindered by none other but Dumbledore himself!

Dumbledore, who still looked enough like present day Dumbledore to be recognised as such. His robes were brigh yellow and flowery but apart from that he looked the same.

"Hello there!" he greeted them, as if _he knew them!_

"We are from the future beep beep beep!" said James and Sirius, doing some kind of robot.

"Will they have robots ten years from now? Amazing!"

"How do you know we're ten years from now?" Remus asked.

"I'm Dumbledore. I'm, like, omnipotent or something."

"Will we all be omnipotent when we're as, ahem, mature as you are?" James asked.

"We all? No. I'm like God, or something. Take that as you will. And before you attack me, I'm not saying which god. Not like any existing one, since they're all about free hatred."

Then he stuck an acid pop under his upper lip. He would not share them, however, out of respect for the coming rules.

"You're probably wondering why we're here," said James.

"I know why."

"You do?"

"Of course. Nothing escapes me. Oh, I understand completely. Sometimes when we don't like some event, we would rather go back and prevent it. Happens all the time."

Gulp.

"I suppose you think it's wrong."

"Now, today is November 8. Here is the address to the Indica Gallery in Muggle Diagon Alley. Now, you have it all worked out?"

"Uhm what?" Sirius asked.

"How to stop John and Yoko from meeting, of course!"

Ooooooh!

Well the chaps were fans, like everybody else, so they were up for it.

As masters of apparition, theyhad to take the bus from Hogsmead to Diagon Alley because Peter was not a master of apparition.

"This must be it," said Sirius, when he looked inside a gallery full of high beatniks in Muggle Diagon Alley some hours later.

"I hate art," said James. "It's aways one thing, stuck to another thing and representing another thing."

"And you can't understand it without a post-it, or something. So pretentious."

"Excuse me," said a random scouse hippie as he passed them by, entering the gallery.

"Oh my God what if that was him!" James squealed, more glued to the window than ever.

"I think I can see him!" Sirius squealed.

The chaps squealed like proper Beatlemaniacs for a good ten minutes. Yes they were screaming like girls and it couldn't bother them less.

But eventually they needed to calm themselves, so they could get to work.

"Ok so what do we do?" said James. "How do we stop Yoko Ono from breaking up the band?"

"Let's kill her!"

"I've told you killing is illegal!"

"Damn!"

There had to be something they could do. They were wasting precious time trying to come up with something.

"Am I a racist if I think that Asian lady in the beret who's just been to the Kappa food shop looks like her?" Remus asked.

"You are so racist. Not every Asian lady in a beret who visits Kappa food shops is Yoko Ono!" said Sirius. "

"That Asian lady in the beret who's just been to the Kappa food shop sure looks like Yoko Ono, 'though," James thought.

The lady in question was heading towards the gallery as they spoke, in the company of some unimportant friend.

"I get so homesick, being away from my Japanese family," she confessed. "The sushi just isn't as good here. Sometimes when I see something Japanese I just want to buy the first plane ticket home and never return!"

"I got it!" Sirius whispered, snagged Remus's pocket globe with Shishi and released him.

The Kappa wandered off, looking for a river to lurk in or whatever they did, and caughtwhiff of the kappa food. Yoko Ono began to cry floods of homesickness. She hugged Shishi tightly and decided to take him with her to Tokyo immediately.

"What did you do?" Remus asked.

"Saved the Beatles," Sirius replied.

"But that was _my_ Kappa!"

"You said you were going to send him back at some point, so I solved that for you, too."

"But..."

"Since we took care of that," said James. "Let's do what we meant to do already."

"I didn't even get to say good bye..."

Oh dear, it seemed ike sending Shishi to Tokyo had upset him.

"Well look at it this way," said James. "Now we'll never have to hear Happy Xmas War Is Over!"

"That's true."


	19. Chapter 19

BAD TIMING

PART 19

With the fantastic Egg Timer the chaps not only saved the Beatles and Yuletide music, they also stopped the Holocaust from happening, a man from shagging a monkey and deleted the 80's from time altogether for its crimes against music.

But eventually they had to return to the present.

Having completely forgotten about that banana peel.

Strange effects of such timer abuse was the least of their concerns. Death was still hanging around, now giving James 24 hours to fulfill his end of the deal.

Which Remus negotiated to the weekend.

He had no idea how to help, until one night when he was in laboratory B trying to up his potions marks. He'd often eavesdrop on conversations held in laboratory A on such occasions, and this was not an exception.

"Hm, hm, hm!" Snape hummed, sounding... merry? (For being Snape, he was still humming Chopin's Funeral March.)

"You sound... merry?" Reg remarked, sounding concerned.

"Do I?"

"Will you kill somebody?"

"In a manner of speaking..."

"Who? Potter?"

"I have my share of murder plans that I'm not telling you. Of course I will kill him, all in good time. Somehow... But that will have to wait."

Paper rustling.

"What's this?" Reg asked. "Permission from Professor McGonagall to-"

"Keep your fingers off my documents you little brat! I'm going to a Young Brewer's Conference in Norfolk tomorrow. I'll be there for the weekend. Yes, I have permission because I am just that good."

"Oh."

"Looks like we're out of bat again! Ruddy hippies, ruining an ancientartform for geniouses like me! I need to ask Slughorn for some bat. Watch over my potion, will you?"

The door opened and closed.

Shortly after that, chortling. Shame Remus didn't know what the joke was. But that wasn't so terribly important. The important thing was that Snape would be gone for the weekend... A devious plan began to form, almost too devious.


	20. Chapter 20

BAD TIMING

PART 20

The weekend came, with French breakfast. The French, who could stay mad at them?

"I tell you," said James, on his tenth brioche now. "The Grim Reaper sure can put up an act! Some are all talk and no action, am I right?"

"I sure wish I had resisted more," said Sirius, scraping the remains from a jar of apricot marmalade.

When Remus came and joined them, he did so wearing a black mourning veil.

"Were you close to the deceased?" Sirius asked him.

"No but it's still such a shock."

"What died?" James asked.

"Snape. Snape's... dead."

This was met with tired disbelief.

"What?"

"It's all so... sudden..."

"Who told you Sourpus Grape died?"

"Professor McGonagall did."  
"When?"

"Just now. Earlier. Apparently there was some potions mishap. If it was a mishap, or things simply became... too much. Excuse me."  
Then he left, having fooled nobody so far.

"How dumb does he think we are?" James asked.

"I don't know. I just... can't believe it..." said Sirius.

"Believe what?"

"Uhm I think I'll ask McGonagall myself."

"Why do you want to do that?"

"Just a... funny feeling. Uhmmm ok be right back."

Sirius left, but he wasn't really going to talk to McGonagall.

He was thinking. He wanted the whole idiotic charade to be over as much as the next chap, for Death to just tip his bowler hat at them, thank you, bye. This was all boring now. On an ideological level he symphathised with James; good on him for not dropping the soap for the Grim Reaper.

But he also thought that his stubborness was just getting ridiculous at this point.

And now Rem was trying to convince them that Sourpus Grape had offed himself. Oh dear, oh dear. Such a fine idea he simply wasn't ballsy enough to properly commit to it.

"You're just not ballsy enough," Sirius told him, in the library.

"I am, too, plenty... ballsy!" Remus insisted, but in all honesty didn't seem to believe it himself.

"Crossdressing is old news. I mean your veil, not coffee grinder. It's not ballsy. Pantominers have done it for ages, not to mention me."

"You don't know what I have got planned."

"What have you got planned?"

"I don't know, I'm still planning it."

Sirius still thought he had gone about it all wrong and been way too rash. Clearly it was up to him to do this properly.

XXX

That night Sirius downed a flask of Snape-Polly (or Snolly) and set off to the potions labs.

He didn't have much of a plan of his own. He just figured that for the common public to buy his suicidal tendencies for real he needed to clean up after himself and plant some suggestive seeds, so to speak. The only way he could think of doing this was to go to the lab and clean up all the current potions he had brewing, and act aloof. It so happened that the closest thing Snape had for a friend, it seemed, was Reg, so there was a potential witness to his change behaviour for added credibility.

Because, apparently, word had got out he didn't smoke so that had put an end to those parties with that cool crowd.

Sirius entered the lab, saw the potions he needed to get rid off and lost half a hand to a protective force field. People were so paranoid.

"I thought you were going to that potions thing," said Reg.

What potions thing?

"Cancelled."

He had to forget about trying to lift the magic that had bit him, there was simply no time for it. Now, what else could he do?

He slammed his greasy head against the table.

"I am so unhappy!"  
This was what he called 'suggestive seeds'.

"Do you want to... talk about it?" Reg asked, backing away.

"Just shut up, will you?! Shut up! You are the worst! You are absolutely awful! Awful, terrible and way below me! A maggot! A useless maggot!"

Well...

Sirius wasn't about to make Snape come off as having an ounce of sympathy, now was he?

"Fine then I'll go!" said Reg, now leaving.

"Good!"  
Except this hadn't gone to plan at all.

"Actually, no, wait a sec. It's all this depression talking. It's weighing me down. The potions thing, cancelled. It just hit me _so hard._ So hard in fact..," theatrical sigh. "I'm going out for some fresh air. Can I borrow your deerstalker?"

"Why do you need my deerstalker?"

"Because it's cold out you dumb idiot Jesus Christ!"

"You know, when you talk to me like that, I don't particularly want to lend you my deerstalker. You've always been abusive but why are you so agressive now?"

"The potions thing."

"Couldn't you get a new appoint- I mean...Will it be held at some other time?"

"No. Never."

"Never?"

"I'm going out. I so don't want to be cold, where I'm going... I'm so afraid of the cold... If I had a hat, I wouldn't be so afraid."

Now Reg found him so utterly bonkers he would lend him his hat, probably to be spared more of his company.

"Thank you. And promise me you will take care of yourself now. Promise me that."

"What are you talking about?"

"See you. Some day."

What, what and that but Sirius had wasted enough time already. Next he ran outside to the lake and lied down on the beach, eyes closed. He was waiting to be discovered.

"So this is your plan?" said Remus, who discovered him first. "You're going to play dead until somebody finds you?"

"I wouldn't judge anybody if I had a hinkypunk in my trousers. Now, do you have something very hard and very round? I saw a trick once. You stick a ball in your armpit and it stops your pulse or something."

"Neat! Does it stop breathing, too?"

Sigh.

"Moo, don't tell me not to fly, I simply got to."

"What's the hat for?"

"It's cold! Will you please just whip out those sweet balls so I can see which one is bigger, and then shoo to the nearest staff."

Remus gave him a gumball the size of a ping pong ball and left. Sirius stuck it under his armpit and waited. He needed not wait very long before he could hear the voices of Professors Sprout and Slughorn.

"Illicit magic use outside?" said Sprout. "This shall be stopped!"

"I can't see or hear anything," said Slughorn.

Sirius could hear them coming his way, still without having actually seen him lie there, and drew the deepest breath he could. They'd see his silhouette any minute now. He could smell the brussel sprouts and horny slugs.

"I believe I can see Mr Snape lying just over there," said Slughorn. "I recognise his silhouette."

The two came nearer, Sirius could smell the brussel sprouts and horny slugs so strong now, and felt like gagging.

"Why in the world are you lying here, Mr Snape?" Slughorn asked.

Naturally Sirius utterned no sound, a natural at playing dead as he was according to many ribbons.

"Hello?" said Sprout, and began to slap his face around.

All the while Sirius was struggling with holding his breath. He was ready to explode.

"I don't think he's breathing," said Slughorn, sounding worried.

When at last they realised the seriousness of it all, Sprout checked Sirius's pulse.

"No pulse!" she gasped.

"I guess we'll have to do CPR!" said Slughorn.

That wasn't the reason Sirius let out a massive breath. He simply could not hold it in any longer.

"He's ok!"  
"So... so cold" said Sirius. "Cyanide tastes so bitter..."

"You've taken cyanide?!" Sprout asked.

"Cyanide, toadstool, nutmeg. Potions Master's Cocktail, it's called. I hope nobody reads my letter, so embarassing now..."

And now he wished he had actually written one. He needed to find some time for that.

Slughorn was already alerting parahealers, who arrived quickly. They did some quick routine health checks before strapping him to a stretcher.

"Strange," said one. "He has no pulse in one wrist, but pulse everywhere else."

"He's taken cyanide, that might explain it," said Sprout.

The parahealers fussed nothing over the pulse ordeal. Word was Sirius had taken cyanide and they just couldn't ignore that. So they took him away.


	21. Chapter 21

BAD TIMING

PART 21

The next day James just couldn't figure out where Sirius had gone. He had looked everywhere, under his pillow, everywhere.

"Well I just don't know where Padfoot is!" he said. "He's nowhere! Just where could he have gone, and without telling me? So unlike him!"

"Well you know," said Remus. "Some... lady friend?"

Best he could come up with.

"I don't think he's ever disappeared altogether for some 'lady friend' before."

"Maybe... Because sometimes... Could be that..."

"Maybe it's the Grim Reaper! Is he blackmailing me or something, do you think?"

"Yes of course! That must be it!"

"So now he keeps him in some hole in the underworld, is that it? And I have to say I'm sowwee for him to be released!"

"Yes that's exactly it!"

"Why are you so happy?"

"Sorry..."

"Well, that's nice, pressuring me like this, leaving me no choice. Fine. Whatever."

It was morning and the chaps were waiting for McGonagall to come and open the classroom. When she did at last, 14 minutes late, she looked grimmer than usual. He countenance had a very silencing effect on her class, silencing and guilt tripping.

"I regret to inform you that Mr Snape has been taken to St Mungos after ingesting cyanide."

Several students paled.

"Yes, apparently it all became too much, as he explained in his letter," she continued. "I have it here."

Juicy info aside, it did seem a bit wrong to read somebody's personal suicide note.

"Yes, he wrote here that _'even if I do make it I want everybody to know the truth, no information shall be withheld from them regarding my mental well being, what drove me to take my life and stuff. I don't want any secrets or hush hush, just be really upfront about everything, that will make them care, yeah, and feel really shitty about themselves and that's what I want after all, especially Potter, it's all his fault, hate him so much, an apology wouldn't be amiss.'_ I've never seen such comma abuse, clearly the writings of manic depressive lunatic. So I hope you all feel bad about this, because you all have a hand in this. All of you."

Everybody sank their shameful heads.

"How is he now?" Mac asked.

"His life is hanging by a thread. He's lost his pulse entirely in one wrist. It's just too soon to say if he'll make it. Apparently he's very delirious and always cold."

And that was all she had to say on the subject.

"How terrible," said Remus. "Isn't it terrible?"

Although James was not particularily affected by the news, he was now willing to fulfill the end of his deal.

"That's right. You all want me to bend over for the oppression. I'll go to St Mungos and tell him I'm soooweeee."

"You will?"

"I can be humble for sure!"

"I believe... if _you_ believe!"

"I'm going after class. Do you want to watch me do it?"

"Uhm yeah!"

So it was decided.

XXX

By the time they arrived in St Mungos, James regretted drinking 10 gallons of Humility Potion. He had simply wanted to be on the safe side.

"Find out which ward he's in. I really need to wee," he said and dashed off.

While he did that, Remus sought help at the reception.

"Excuse me. I'm here to see somebody, Severus Snape.

"Severus Snape..," the receptionist typed that in her orb-system. "Ah! He's on the twelfth floor, the Surgery Ward."

"Ok thank you."

"There's also a Severus Snape in the ER. Strange..."

"Two of them, what are the odds?"

"It's the same person. Same social security number. Must be some spooks in the system again. I better call the ghost busters."

"He was admitted for cyanide poisoning."

But the receptionist was somewhat distracted by spooks in the system at this point, giving the system a good thrashing with a paper weight.

"Bloody Widow's Vista! What is this, the middle ages?"

"Hey I'm back!" said James. "So where is he?"

"When was your friend admitted?" asked the receptionist.

"Last night."

"Then try the ER."

"Thanks, lady. Which way is it?"

"You call me 'lady' because I'm a receptionist? I'm a man with beard and a very deep voice."

The receptionist stood up. He was quie a large man, as well. James felt his temples and forehead ( his own, not the man's). So that's where he had put his glasses. He put them back on.

"Sorry. It's my fogging condition. I can't tell men's voices from women's voices."

"Hm," the receptionist-man was annoyed, but let it slide. "Take this pebble and enter the blue fire there. Return the pebble before you leave."

"Thank you, sir."

"You assume, that because I am a huge bearded man, I identify as one?"

"Yes."

"Ok just making sure."

James and Remus stepped into the blue fire, like the beard-man had said. The fire spat them out in the Surgery Ward. A witch in a green robe pointed them down a hall, to room 394.

They didn't find Snape in room 394. All they found was a low-level healer making the bed.

"Where's Snape?" James asked him.

"I'm afraid Mr Snape has... moved on."

"Moved on to where?"  
"A better place. It all became too much."  
He finished the bed and left.

And then it happened. James actually... felt something. A growing sadness overcame him, one that was unfamiliar to him, one he had never experienced before. He threw himself on the fresh bed.

"It's all my fault. I'm so sorry," he sniffed into the pillow.

And lo, in a crack, the Grim Reaper appeared!

"Well look at you know. So technically you're showing remorse, not humility, but I take what I can get. Those are both good things to show from time to time. You're off the hell hook now, well done."

And that was that. James was off the hell hook now, so how come he wasn't rejoicing already?

Meanwhile Remus felt bad just watching the whole thing, because that was just his style. He couldn't understand why he felt guilty, when this terrible lie had worked, because certainly that was all that mattered? Nor could he say anything but the usual clichés. "No one's really gone as long as you remember them", bla bla bollocks. All the while he was fizzing with confessional desire.

"We should probably go," he said after a while.

James wailed all the way to the ground floor (just what had he put in that Humility Potion?). By the time they passed the reception to return the pebble he could speak coherently.

"I'm the worst person in the world," he said. "I feel so weird. I mean, I never expected I'd see Snape everywhere, in every face... I mean, I can see him standing just over there raging at the healer with the coffee stained scrubs!"  
So could Remus, weirdly enough.

"What is he doing over there?"

Snape was wearing a patient gown and he removed a band aid from his chin, which looked badly bruised and very swollen.

"I've been trying to find you, Doctor O'Mildred!" he snarled. "I came here for a small nose and wake up to find my chin enlarged!"

"Oh, didn't you want a chin enlargement?"

"NO!" Snape screamed so every face turned his way.

"But now nobody is going to notice your nose for your chin," O'Mildred reasoned.

Snape drew his wand. "I know curses that will destroy everying _but_ your nose and your chin!"

Somebody threatened to summon aurors, so Snape stormed off.

"Weird," said James. "I guess no one is really gone."

"Hello, what's up?" said a voice behind him.

Snape again! James screamed about being haunted and ran out of St Mungos.

"Why weren't you in the Emergency Ward?" Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged.

"It all became too much. Oh, I can go back, if he still needs to do the apologising."

"Actually he just did the apologising, because he thought you, or you-Snape, was dead. The Grim Reaper came by and lifted him off the hell hook."

"Cool. So it worked, although he was actually apologising to me in a way? If I had still been there, he would have apologised to me, really. But he didn't even apologise to me, he apologised to nobody."

"Hm, I guess so. But it worked. Do you want to let him know, that he got off the hell hook without showing any humility to Snape at all?"

"Nah."

Yeah it could wait it would just make him insufferable.


End file.
